Reflecting Back on Dec. 30, 2011

After we woke up, our pastor came back to the hospital to have devotion with us. We talked to him about having a memorial service for Logan at our church. Originally, Steven and I didn't think we'd have one. We thought we'd just have a private memorial for him at the hospital, but then so many people started asking us when the funeral would be. We realized that having a memorial service at church would be an opportunity for our friends and family to support us and have some closure, as well. Steven and I were so humbled by the support we were getting! Truly a blessing to us.

Then our parents came back to the hospital. They wanted to be with us as we left. We left at lunch time. Leaving the hospital wasn't hard for me. I just didn't want anyone (strangers) asking me any questions. After all, I still looked pregnant. Thankfully, no one said anything to me!

We decided to let Addy stay at Chris and Jen's house for her nap. We figured it would be hard to get her to nap at home knowing that her grandparents were here! Up until she came home, she didn't know they were in town. I also took a nap after we got home. Addy got to wake me up when she got home, something she LOVES to do...wake people up!

For dinner, a coworker of Steven's brought us dinner. And then Addy got to celebrate Christmas with Grandma E.!






Then it was bedtime. And that was tough. We had decided at the hospital to not say anything to Addy about Logan, until she brought it up. Well, bedtime is when we always prayed for Logan.

Addy and I were on her bed and she leaned up against my stomach and said, "Oops, I'm squishing baby brother". Then I called Steven into her room. We explained that baby brother wasn't in my belly anymore, that he went to Heaven to live with Jesus. She asked why, and we told her that his heart stopped beating. Of course, I was crying. Addy looked at me and said, "Mommy, you sad"? I told her I was because I missed her baby brother, but I was also happy because he's living with Jesus. That means we can play with him and see him when we get to Heaven some day. Which is completely the truth! We could tell she was trying to process what we had just told her. We also told her that we named him Logan, which she pronounces "Wogan". :)

It wasn't as difficult to tell her as I thought it might be, but I also knew the difficult days would be ahead of us. Steven and I continued to pray for wisdom to help Addy grieve as we grieved.

Reflecting Back on Dec. 29, 2011

The day Logan was born. A day we will never forget. A day filled with so many special "God winks".

We were pretty much up for the day around 7 a.m. Our night nurse, Amanda, came in with our day nurse, Eileen, to introduce us and we knew immediately we were going to be in good hands, once again.

My doctor came in to check me around 7:30 a.m. She was pleased that I had actually made some progress over night. I was dilated to 1 cm. She suggested that I get my epidural by 9 a.m.

So that's what we did. And that's when I lost it. It was so difficult for me, emotionally. Until that point, I knew what was going to happen, but it seemed like I still had so much time before I'd actually have to "accept" what was going to happen. Placing the epidural went fine, I'm so thankful the CRNA could do it so well with me crying! After the CRNA left, I sobbed. And sobbed. I kept saying, "I don't want to do this". Steven and Jen were there with me, along with our nurse.

Shortly thereafter, our parents came back to the hospital to spend the day with us. My aunt and uncle, Jim and Linda, also came to the hospital to support us. It was so special to have our family with us.

Everyone went out to lunch while I napped. My doctor came back to check me in the afternoon, and said things were still progressing and that we'd be seeing our son that evening. Unfortunately, she wouldn't be on call that evening. One of her colleagues would have to deliver Logan. One that we'd never met. I didn't like that we'd have to meet her under these circumstances. For her or us.

Our pastor was back in town, so he came and had devotion with us in the afternoon. It was so comforting to hear scripture and be reminded how much God loves us. We knew He was going to be with us through this, and He would be with us each step of the way. And He would love us and give us the comfort only He can. Most importantly, He loves Logan, too.

One of our biggest concerns was how to handle this situation with Addy. We felt completely unprepared how to handle this with Addy. We didn't know if we should have her come to the hospital at all, if we should let her see Logan, or just keep her at Christ and Jen's house and talk to her about it when we got home. We asked for a grief counselor, and they only had a social worker...but we thought it would be better than nothing! She didn't actually offer any good advice. I hate to so it, but she wasn't very helpful. She basically said that we know Addy best, and we just need to do what we think would be best for her. Right, thanks. :) The most helpful advice we got was from Eileen. She said that in her experience simple is best. Adults tend to over complicate things for kids. And be literal. Using terms like, "we lost the baby" would make her think we need to go find him! That helped a lot. We decided not to bring her to the hospital. We thought that might complicate our explanation that Logan went to Heaven.

At dinner time, everyone went out again. I insisted that they all go. I didn't mind being by myself for a little bit. I rested a little more. While they were gone, the doctor who would deliver Logan, came to check me. She suggested they break my water. I was fine with that. The Lord had given me the time I needed that day to prepare for Logan's birth. Breaking my water wasn't emotional for me. I know that Steven, Jen, and our moms would've liked to been there for that.

Jen went home for a little bit to see her kids, and Addy, and help Chris with bed time. They were missing her! Something I think is so special is that Addy wanted Jen to lay with her when she went to bed. She was having a hard time that night. Jen was holding Addy at 9:30 when I delivered Logan.

I felt like the epidural was wearing off shortly after they broke my water. I asked for the CRNA to come back and "reload"! I was feeling the contractions more, and it hurt! He came back quickly to give me more medicine, but about 10 minutes later, I was still feeling a lot of pain with the contractions. My nurse, Amanda (same as Wednesday night!), checked me and said that it was time. Logan was ready to be delivered. But, I needed more medicine first! The CRNA was back quickly and whatever he gave me, worked!

When the doctor came in, Steven and I asked for everyone else to leave. We wanted it to be just the two of us in the room for Logan's delivery. After we got hugs from everyone, we asked my uncle Jim to say a prayer for us. We all held hands in a circle, and he prayed for each of us. It was perfect. Then they left and it was just us with the doctor and three nurses. It was quiet and peaceful in the room. Eleven pushes later, Logan Fredrick was born at 9:31 p.m. He weighed 2 lbs 3 oz and was 15" long. The doctor held Logan up for us to see him and then Amanda took him and bathed him.

He was fragile, and a little squishy. The bath took a while, but he looked perfect when she was done. She wrapped him in his blanket that Addy picked out for him. And then we got to hold him. And we took in every detail about him that we could!

He had blond hair, just as we'd been guessing! We'd been saying that he would probably have blond hair, and lots of it, and blue eyes. We joked that he'd have a lot of hair and need his first haircut before Addy got her first haircut! He had Steven's ears, with attached lobes, my nose, and Addy's mouth. He was going to be tall, too! Very long arms and legs. And big hands and feet! We sure love that little boy! And the look on Logan's face was so peaceful. I know it was because he was resting in the arms of his Heavenly Father. It warmed my heart. He was exactly where he needed to be, and he is well.

After we had some time with Logan, we asked for our family to come in and see him. I loved watching everyone else hold him. Seeing each person looking him over, taking in every detail. We all love him so much. There were lots of tears shed that night, but none of them were mine. I feel God helped me by getting my tears out earlier in the day. I wanted to remember every minute that we had with Logan. I asked God to help me remember everything and not miss anything because of tears. He blessed me with a clear mind, for sure.

Something that is really incredible is a service called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. They are a group of photographers who come to the hospital, at any time of day or night, to take photos for families like us who've lost their babies. Our nurse asked us earlier in the day if we'd like them to come and take pictures, and at first we weren't sure. We weren't sure if it was appropriate. I kind of felt badly putting a stranger in that position, to photograph us with our son who'd died. But, then we realized that's specifically what this group was all about. I'm so glad we agreed to have them come. We don't have any of the pictures back yet, but I think they will be a treasured keepsake for us, for sure. Our photographer came at midnight. He was wonderful. He stayed until after 1 a.m. to make sure we got every photo we wanted. I can't wait to see the pictures.

The hospital also had several keepsake items for us. They made an imprint of Logan's feet in a clay rocking horse. Actually, we have 2 of them! The first set was made before the photographer came. He didn't know it wasn't dry yet and set his camera bag on it. It left a line in the clay, so our nurse made a second one! A nice little "God wink" for us! The second one turned out better than the first one, and we thought the first one was good!

They also made ink handprints and footprints for us. Another "God wink" was that we made 3 of them! The first one had a little smudge, on the second one, one of his toes didn't press down very well, and the last one was perfect. But, now each set of grandparents got to have one as well as us!

People make blankets, hats, and beautiful gowns for keepsakes and then the hospital gives them to families like us. I love that our nurse, Amanda, hand picked the items for our keepsake for us. She was awesome. She found the right size hat for Logan's head, and let us pick the color we liked!

Our family left between 1:30-2:00 a.m. We asked my uncle Jim to say a prayer before they left. It was beautiful.

We told Amanda she could call the funeral home to come get Logan's body. They said it could be a couple hours before they were able to get to the hospital. We didn't mind. We asked to keep Logan with us until they arrived. I fell asleep with Logan lying on my chest. Steven fell asleep on his "bed". Then at 4:15 a.m. Amanda came in and said they were here for Logan's body. We stood together, Amanda, Steven, me, and Logan; and Steven said one final prayer with him. We cried a little, gave him our final kisses, and handed him to Amanda. And he was gone. Steven and I didn't want to meet the people from the funeral home.

We went back to bed and rested quite well until about 8 a.m.

Reflecting Back on Dec. 26-28, 2011

I didn't know why a month ago (but I do now!) that as much as I wanted to prepare for our baby boy's arrival on March 2, I just had this feeling of not wanting to really do anything until after Christmas. The nursery had the crib and changing table set up, but that was it. I had colors in mind how I wanted to decorate, but did nothing about it. I just felt like I couldn't give it my full attention until after Christmas.

Over the Christmas weekend my mom helped me get a few baby things out of the Rubbermaid tubs that I had everything stored in. I wanted to take an inventory of what we had from when Addy was a baby that we could reuse and what we would need. When we were expecting Addy, we were intentional about selecting items that could be used for both genders to be just that, gender neutral. My mom and I separated all the bibs, socks, sleep sacks, blankets, burp cloths, and changing pads that could be used for our baby boy and put them in the nursery.

Then, Christmas was over and I was super ready to start getting the nursery prepared for our baby boy. Monday night (the 26th) Steven, Addy, and I went to Target and Homegoods to start looking for nursery items. We needed baskets for the changing table, a floor lamp, and we wanted to look for crib sheets to see if anything sparked our interest. We ended up finding a crib sheet, a blanket that Addy picked out for her brother, and a floor lamp! It was a really successful shopping trip!

Tuesday (the 27th) my work schedule was much lighter than normal, and I was able to make a few stops after work to look a few more places for more nursery and baby boy items! I was having so much fun! By the time I got home and we ate dinner, I was too tired to go back out with Steven to show him the things I didn't bring home. We decided to just wait until Wednesday night to do more shopping.

We were in bed shortly after Addy, and I started reading a book I received for Christmas. I fell asleep reading, and woke up around 11:00 pm. It was at that point that I started thinking that I didn't remember feeling the baby moving when I first went to bed. I just lied there poking at my stomach trying to get him to react. Nothing. I woke Steven up at 11:15 and told him I was worried because I hadn't felt him moving. Then I couldn't remember if I felt him moving on Monday, either. I know for sure I felt him on Sunday, it was Christmas Day and he rolled, or switched positions and I remember saying a quick "thank you" prayer for this wonderful gift growing in my belly. Steven quickly went online to see what he could find. While he did that, I ate a Twinkie. We never buy Twinkies, but Steven had recently, and I thought it probably contained enough sugar to get our little guy moving! Steven found many comments from other moms online who said that they noticed their babies didn't move for a couple days during a growth spurt. That, plus the fact that it was late at night, we decided to just wait until Wednesday morning to see if he would move, and if not, then go get things checked out.

As a side note, my placenta was anterior (in the front) so I didn't feel a lot of movement anyway. I normally only felt him move when I was lying down first thing in the morning or when I went to bed at night. Rarely did I feel him kick, it always felt like he was just rolling because it would be a quick movement and it never lasted long.

Wednesday morning I didn't feel anything, either. I was scared, and feeling like I was hanging onto a little shred of hope. I went into work, partly because I don't think I was ready to know the truth. Once there, I asked if someone in our ultrasound dept. would do a heartbeat check. Really, my only regret. I wish I would've just went to the OB ER at the hospital I would deliver at. The hospital I work at doesn't have labor & delivery. But, someone offered to check for me. I could see it on her face that she didn't want to tell me. I just said to her, "There's no heartbeat, is there"? She tried to reassure me by saying that she doesn't do OB, so she wanted someone else to check. I already knew. The next sonographer came in and looked. She just told the first sonographer, "I saw what you saw". The first sonographer told me how sorry she was, but I just needed to get back to work so I could call Steven. I apologized to her for putting her in this position, it just wasn't fair to her, and I felt awful. I still do.

Once I got back to work, I lost it. I went to our manager's office and closed the door and sobbed. He dialed Steven's number for me. I hated having to say the words. "Steven, there's no heartbeat". He left work immediately to pick me up and bring me to the OB ER downtown.

My friends at work are wonderful. They did everything they could to comfort me while I waited for Steven. It seemed like it took him forever to get there, and it was really only 10 minutes or less. I wasn't in a hurry to get anywhere, I just needed my husband.

As we were driving to the ER, I said to Steven, "This child NEEDS a name"! My only rule was that our little boy had to have a "boy only" name. I didn't want him to go to school and have a little girl in his class with the same name! We loved the name Logan, but in the last few years we've heard it becoming more popular for girls. Steven's response was, "Well, he's not going to go to school should we name him Logan"? I liked his logic, using the name we loved most. We already knew his middle name would be Fredrick after our dads, Fred and Rick. So, Logan Fredrick it was.

Once we got to the ER, I explained the situation at the registration desk, and they took me back immediately. I didn't even have a chance to put a gown on yet, and the doctor was in there with an ultrasound machine. She confirmed what we already knew. They called my doctor, and she was there within a few minutes. She explained the process of what we were about to go through. She gave us the option to be admitted right away, or go home to pack up our things and come back later that evening. We chose to go home and come back later.

While we were in the ER, we had to make the first of several dreaded phone calls. It is an awful feeling to call someone to tell them we've lost our son. I mean, no one is expecting a phone call like that, so I imagine it was just as awful to receive the call. I was 30 weeks along. It's just not something we even considered. We breathed a huge sigh of relief once we got passed the first trimester, and an even bigger sigh of relief when we got the great report from our last ultrasound. I was feeling great, like I had much more of my normal energy back.

Addy was at Wendy's house. We had already made plans for Addy to have a sleepover at Chris and Jen's house that night. The girls wanted to have a sleepover while they were on Christmas break. Jen was one of the phone calls we made from the ER. She met us at our house when we got home. I picked Addy up from Wendy's house to bring her home to play for a little bit and then nap. We didn't say anything to her at that point.

While Addy napped, a friend of ours, who is also a retired pastor, came to our house to have devotion with us. Our pastor was out of town, and coming back later that night. We also got our things packed for the hospital. That was a very weird feeling as well.

After Addy woke up, Jen took her home to her house, and Steven and I had a few minutes before we had to leave. We were supposed to check in at the hospital at 6:00 pm. I remember not wanting to leave one minute before we had to. Arriving at the hospital was actually easier than I thought it would be. The nursing staff was great, very comforting. We got settled into our room pretty quickly, and then it was shift change. I was my nurse's only patient! And she was awesome. Shortly thereafter, my parents arrived and Jen came to be with us at the hospital as well.

They started me on pitocin at 8:00 pm on Wednesday night. My doctor warned us it could take 24-48 hours for my body to be prepared to give birth. They wanted to VBAC me (vaginal birth after c-section) because it was safer (no surgery) and would allow for a quicker recovery afterward. It just meant they would have to prepare my body slowly, not letting me contract too fast or too strongly because of my previous c-section.

Steven's mom also flew in that night. She was able to move her flight up a day to be with us. God's timing is really the best. He does work things out exactly in a way to bless us. It was such a blessing that Pat had already planned a trip to come see us. Steven and I both felt such comfort having our parents and Jen there to be with us. I can't say it enough, we were blessed in so many ways by our family and the nurses.

Everyone, except Steven, left late, around 11-11:30 pm. Steven and I slept fairly well, as well as we could with all the normal interruptions you get in the hospital!

Logan Fredrick

As most of you know, we suffered the loss of our son a couple weeks ago. He was delivered on Thursday, December 29, 2011. This blog has been a way for me to document the events of our family, both big and small. This was definitely a big event, although very difficult. I have so many thoughts in my head that I'd like to say about Logan, the week he was born, and what we've been up to since he was born. It will take me some time, of course, but I'd like to just start with the email I wrote the day after Logan was born, the evening we came home from the hospital.

Hello,

From the bottom of our hearts, Steven and I would like to try to express our gratitude for the love, support, and prayers we've received this week. We realize that we didn't get to talk with most of you or get the opportunity to explain exactly what happened. Some of you have been updated via our family this week, but we just wanted everyone to hear it from us.

Last Tuesday night, the 27th, as I went to bed it occurred to me that I hadn't felt the baby moving that day. Then, I couldn't remember if I'd felt him on Monday, either. At the same time, we'd been busy both days and hadn't sat down much, so I just didn't realize it. We decided to wait until Wednesday morning to see if I felt anything. Wednesday morning, the 28th, I had an ultrasound and found out there was no heartbeat. I was at 30 weeks gestation. The doctor estimated that his heart stopped beating on Monday or Tuesday, but we don't know for sure.

Steven and I decided to go home and get our things packed and return later in the evening for admission to the hospital. We were admitted at 6:00 pm and once they got us settled in our room, they started me on pitocin to start convincing my body it was time to prepare for labor. We knew this process would take 24 hours or more. My parents and Steven's mom arrived that evening to be with us. My cousin, Jennifer, was also there with us. Addy was at a sleepover at Jennifer's house, something we had already planned a while ago.

Thursday, the 29th, we basically just waited for my body to be ready for labor. Our pastor came and had devotion with us, and we really just tried our best to prepare for what was going to happen. I don't think there's any way to really prepare for a situation like this, though. Then, it was time.

Logan was born at 9:31 pm on Thursday, December 29, 2011. He weighed 2 lbs 3 oz and was 15" long. He was beautiful and perfect. He had blond hair, just as we were predicting! He had been estimated on previous ultrasounds to be small, but he was going to be tall! He had Steven's ears, hands, and feet, my nose, and Addy's mouth. Absolutely precious. We were able to spend a lot of time with him just admiring him and taking in every detail possible!

It was such a blessing to us to have Steven's mom, my parents, my cousin Jennifer, and my aunt and uncle, Jim and Linda there with us. We also felt the prayers of those of you who weren't there in person with us. The texts and emails really encouraged us, and we just appreciated it so much!

We were able to come home from the hospital today at lunch time. Before I go any further, I must say we had the absolute best care possible while we were in the hospital. Every single person on staff at Centennial Women's Hospital that participated in our care was just wonderful. We can't say enough about them. We'll never forget them and how they helped us through this. They are angels.

Steven and I are doing well. I can say that honestly. We absolutely feel peace about this. A peace that can only come from our precious Savior. No, we're not all Pollyanna, and we are grieving the loss of our son. We just know that we have a loving God who is with us and keeps His promises. We know without a doubt that it was God's strength getting us through the last couple days. We are not strong enough to do this on our own. Wouldn't want to. The Lord reassured us with little "God winks" that we know can only come from Him.

We are rejoicing that Logan is enjoying Heaven right now. As we spent time with him last night, we kept saying how peaceful he looked. It just reminded us that he is in the arms of his Savior and ours.

We are having a memorial service on Tuesday, January 3, 2012 at our church, Rock of Ages Lutheran Church in Madison, TN at 6:30 pm. Everyone is welcome to join us, if you are able to do so.

Love,
Kari, Steven, & Addy